I was a 25 year old accounting student when I encountered Christ for the first time. Recently remarried and raising 2 small children, I was at the top of my class with plans to pursue the security of becoming a CPA. I was good with numbers and understood the concepts, however, once I surrendered myself to Christ, the desire to sit behind a desk and crunch numbers vanished. I wanted more. I wanted to impact the lives of others. I wanted to serve Christ with every fiber of my being.
I wanted Him to call me into ministry more than anything.
I remember the first time I learned that the denomination I was associated with had a strict rule about people who were divorced and remarried being ineligible for ministry. I recall the condemnation that wrapped around my being like a heavy blanket as I realized that the very thing I desired could never truly come to happen because I encountered Jesus AFTER I experienced the "unforgivable" act of divorce & remarriage. I was
that person.
I was marked.
I was inadequate.
I was unworthy.
It was like a scarlet letter that I was forced to wear.
I had many desperate conversations with Lord about this injustice. I begged Him to call me and use me in spite of the horrible label I bore. I served him with everything I had, volunteering in every way possible and attending every bible study, church service, and Sunday School class I could in hopes of hearing His voice and earning His favor.
A few years later, my denomination began to relax it's standards for ministry qualifications to include those who were divorced and remarried PRIOR to their conversion. I was giddy with excitement at the prospect that perhaps God would see fit to call me now. I prayed, waiting in eager anticipation to hear His voice sending me into full time service yet all I heard was deafening silence. I begged, I pleaded, I waited. Nothing. Until one day my husband (who was the kind of guy that would rather die than have to stand in front of a group of people) came to me and announced that God had called him to full-time ministry. Him. Not me. I was excited. I was confused. I was eager with anticipation at becoming the pastor's wife. I was disappointed that despite my desire, God would rather use someone else. I was happy. I was angry. I was jealous. I was supportive.
I was secretly wrapping myself in self-pity, convincing myself that somehow I was not sufficient for God.
With a mixture of a billion emotions, we packed the family and moved to another state so my husband could attend bible college. I landed a job at the headquarters of my denomination and began to feel like perhaps God was using me through my work there. I flourished in my newfound "ministry" role and began to dream again about the ways that God would use me. We jumped through the hoops of credentialing and eventually my husband was offered a position at a church in yet another state. Excited about the prospect of truly being in full-time ministry, we loaded up the family yet again and stepped into the role of Pastor & wife.
I loved the ministry. My children & I were the worship team initially and it was such a blessing to lead worship with all 3 of my kids (on days that were weren't all about to strangle one another based on family dynamics). I taught children's church. I started women's groups. I cleaned the church and decorated the church and made coffee cake every Sunday morning. I determined finally that God was truly using me. Perhaps this was His calling.
Maybe this was what I was created for.
As quickly as I settled into the role, it vanished. A marriage suddenly dissolved. A ministry rapidly taken away.
My moment as God's chosen servant handed over for yet another scarlet letter. As a result of another person's choices, I now found myself divorced for a second time. My initially supportive denomination seemed to flee from me. The people whom I loved and had been ministering to became someone else's flock.
The scarlet letter returned. I was unworthy of God's use. No matter how I longed for His calling, He obviously didn't want me in that capacity. I surrendered to the fact that spiritual greatness was somehow just outside my reach.
I wandered through many dark days, and sometimes still do. To be honest, I'm still coming to terms with where life has taken me. I don't understand all of the heartaches, disappointments and trials I've been through. Yet, when I open the bible, I find hope. I see the kind of people that God used. They weren't perfect. They actually were quite messed up. Their lives were in shambles and they were riddled by their own foolish decisions. Yet, God wasn't limited by their circumstances. He used them,
right where they were, in spite of their sins, regardless of their qualifications. They impacted the world they lived in. They touched the lives they were part of. Many of them didn't see the result of the impact their life had on others.
They were obedient. They were faithful. They were called. And so am I.
Phillipians 2:12-18
Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose.
Do everything without grumbling or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, “children of God without fault in a warped and crooked generation.”Then you will shine among them like stars in the sky as you hold firmly to the word of life. And then I will be able to boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor in vain. But even if I am being poured out like a drink offering on the sacrifice and service coming from your faith, I am glad and rejoice with all of you. So you too should be glad and rejoice with me.
