In the past few weeks I've felt it stirring; that little element of discontent, that disconnect between the life I'm living and the life I want to live, that desire for something greater, that frustration found when standing still while the world seems to be passing by. Have you ever experienced it? I've encountered it enough times throughout my life that I'm beginning to recognize it, to know that it's the beginning of a process; and like childbirth, it begins with a slight discomfort and escalates until it's nearly unbearable and ends with something miraculous and beyond human comprehension.
I know that God is directing me and beginning something new...but....I have absolutely no idea what it is or where it leads. This is the part I'm not good at. It's the trust and faith part. The part that has to let go of control and allow God to form and shape whatever He is doing in His time. This is the part that threatens to drive me nuts. Anyone who knows me knows I am a planner. I like lists and I like goals and I like to make sure all the details are worked out. When I am challenged to let go and wait for God to direct, I find myself on the verge of a breakdown. I question myself at every turn, "Did God set that up so I would do this? Is God wondering why I'm sitting here waiting? I mean, what if I missed it? What if the thing I think He is about to do is actually being done while I'm over here trying to figure out if He's leading me or if I'm trying to take over?"
Maybe you can relate. I want a clearly defined set of parameters with guidelines and benchmarks. God on the other hand initiates a process that is often unseen on the outside but definetly is hard at work on the inside. I feel like I'm half done. Like I'm a half-baked Christian. He stirred together the ingredients and created me. He seasoned me and poured me into the form He desires. But I'm not done. My insides are still a gooey mess. My substance is incomplete. I'm not ready to hold up and serve the purpose He has for me. Only when the process is complete and the work is finished inside, will He be ready to use me in a way that is evident on the outside.
Currently, I feel like I'm waiting for the timer to buzz. For the signal that the work is done and I'm ready. For the moment, I will do nothing but sit and wait, be still and know that he is Lord. But soon, very soon, I am confident of this: that he who began a good work in you (me) will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Phillipians 1:6
