"Let's just play it by ear". The dreaded words kept repeating in my head. How is that possible? Shouldn't we have a plan of action? How will I know what to expect? Am I supposed to just sit here and wait? Well, that's not fair. After all, I have things I want to accomplish. How can I do my things if I have to sit around and wait for whatever "playing it by ear" means.
I like to be in control. It's an area of my life that I have been working to change on a daily basis. I've made significant progress, but encountered this reality check the other day. I was trying to plan for the weekend. There was a possibility we might go up North, which was contingent on a shipment of supplies. My second job was texting me with open shifts they had for the weekend. I needed decisive answers and I wanted them NOW! I was met with "let's just play it by ear" and faced an internal meltdown. So there I was stewing and fussing, frustrated that I couldn't write down an agenda. In reality, I wanted to spend a weekend doing nothing, but I buried that reality under my desire to have a schedule so I would know what to expect. At least tell me that we're going to do nothing this weekend so I can put it on my calendar and feel fulfilled as I check it off my "to do " list.
I didn't know which direction to turn. Should I go to the grocery store and get supplies, just in case we go to the cabin? Should I take a shift that I really don't want to work simply because it's there in front of me? Should I make plans to meet with friends or spend time doing things that I haven't had the time to do? My frustration mounted and I did what I always do when I'm frustrated, I began to frantically clean while talking to the Lord.
I began to lament to God about how frustrated I was. I poured out my complaints while scrubbing the toilet. I mumbled about how unfair the situation was while vacuuming the floor. I asked God to give us a clear agenda while scrubbing the kitchen. And then, while making the beds, God gently spoke to my spirit. He didn't give me an agenda, or clarify my plans. Instead, He pointed out my insecurity and spoke to my personal weakness. He showed me the reason those words set off a frustrating chain of events for me and He showed me how the frustration went much deeper than the relational issue of the weekend. This issue was between me and God and it had been going on for years.
You see, I've always seen organization as a positive attribute. I value order and I believe that God does as well. When I have order, I know what to expect, there are no surprises. I can look at my "to do" list and visually see success. As I complete the events on my calendar, I am fulfilled knowing that I have done what I need to do. But in reality, my planner and "to do" list are MY plans. Every task that I check off was placed there by me. As I listened to what God was speaking to my spirit, I recognized the reality of Proverbs 19:21 "Many are the plans in a person’s heart, but it is the Lord’s purpose that prevails."
God showed me that the reason the statement "Let's play it by ear" set off such internal combustion in me is because it required me to give up control. He showed me the parallel between my momentary weekend frustration and my larger-scale life frustration. You see, my life hasn't gone exactly the way I planned. My agenda looked a lot different than this. My "to do" list did not include many of the things that I've done. My version of a "perfect" life looked a lot different than this. And every time that my life has taken an unexpected turn, I am thrown into a tailspin screaming at God about how it's not fair and how I had things that I wanted to accomplish and how it's not right that I end up wondering what's next. HOW COULD GOD DO THIS TO ME???
As I neatly arranged the pillows on the bed (in their correct order, of course), God showed me that playing it by ear is not a bad thing. He reminded me of Psalm 46:10 “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” He reminded me that I am not the one in control. Not now. Not ever. He showed me that sometimes, having no plan is the best plan of all. He reminded me that in my weakest and most frustrating moments, when there was nothing in life that I could control, He was there and He had a plan that was greater than anything that I could write in my planner or place on my "to do" list.
And so, I embarked on a weekend with no agenda. The supply shipment did arrive on Friday morning. No plans were made. We decided to wait until Saturday morning to decide if we wanted to go up North or not. No alarm clock was set. On Saturday morning, we decided that it just felt good to relax and do nothing. We drank coffee and read the word and took naps and it was glorious! Without any plans or expectations, I experienced what was possibly one of the greatest weekends of my life. My body was relaxed, my mind was cleared, and my spirit was refreshed.
I let go of the illusion of control and experienced the joy that can come "just playing it by ear".
